When Motherhood Feels Like a Nightmare: A New Mom’s Struggle with Isolation, Regret, and Unmet Expectations
To her ”miracle baby” born after five years of trying — and being told she could NEVER conceive — new mum motivates others sharing her struggles on TikTok: Rach7291 She does love her daughter, but the reality has come nowhere near to her vision of parenting. Rach has a fussy, colicky, whiney baby who cries constantly, and she feels confined, overwhelmed, and inextricably bound to her house and unable to accomplish the basic day to day tasks. She has no one to help her and hardly anyone to relate to her — not even baby groups, which seem to you to cause far more distress than comfort. In this candid post, her desire to be a mother is met with no shortage of emotion when motherhood is so much more difficult than the fairy tale you pictured.
Her expectations vs. reality has resulted into regret, isolation and helplessness. It also adds to Rachel’s frustration that all the other mothers seem to have ‘easier, happier babies’ and she is left wondering why her experience had to be so different. As much as she wants to believe that things will get better as her baby gets older, they only find themselves more entrenched in the fight. It instantly made me feel at home, as her video captures the truth of what many new parents, myself included have experienced but can sometimes be too shy to admit.
Rach is not alone, such experiences are common among new mothers, but there is so much pressure on new parents to paint a rosy picture of parenthood that the not-so-glamorous side is often left silent. The American Psychological Association explains that the “baby blues” happen in as many as 80% of new mothers and postpartum depression (PPD) causes concern in about 1 in 7. Although Rach doesn’t put it out there that she has PPD, the overwhelming guilt, helplessness and loneliness make complete sense and the symptoms should be explored better in consultation with a doctor-integrative mental health professional.
According to Pediatrics in Review, colic may also explain some of her daughter’s nonstop wailing, occurring in up to 10–40 percent of infants. Colic is a condition where babies cry for hours at a time, with no apparent reason, which can make parents feel as though they have lost their power and control. Or they might have sensory sensitivities, stomach problems, or other early signs of a developmental discrepancy. Visiting a pediatrician may alleviate any underlying concerns and offer her daughter specific tools.
Another cause of her struggle is isolation. Without a support system one can feel lonely in what they feel like is a battle of parenthood. Research published in the Journal of Affective Disorders states that perceived social support from family and friends is a huge predictor of depression and anxiety in new mothers, with another study stating that social ties also positively impact maternal mental health. Though this is not how baby groups ended up working for Rach, maybe she just had to try what she was told about them at the beginning always to find another outlet—somewhere like maybe an online community, parenting forums or therapy & more, where she would find the kind of encouragement and support she was, needs.
The other thing is that the transition to parenthood often directly contradicts deep-seated expectations. Cultural stories glorify motherhood in such a way where the experience is always depicted to be lovely and fulfilling, leaving mothers like Rach feeling guilty and ashamed when their realities do not match. Realizing that her feelings make complete sense and that many people feel the same way, is a start towards healing.
How People Support:
